CYPRISS

As such, Novelty Music Scene aka ME has remixed our earlier tribute to Kim Jong-Il Looking At Things for the new generation. And as you would expect, it’s faster, fatter and very possibly more ominous. And, like all things in the paradise that he calls home, at least for him, it’s free.

So get downloading, sharing and staring before one of those rockets actually works and you find yourself too busy fighting cockroaches for the last bit of non-radioactive water in your Ikea nuclear bunker to remember which button is play on your ipod let alone where that potato you’re using for power has rolled to ETCS?

Initially though, we suggest you use it as the backing track to your viewing of Kim Jr’s viewing of thiiiiiings:
http://kimjongunlookingatthings.tumblr.com/

And yes, that is real North Korean TV we sampled. Course.

http://www.economist.com/node/21553029

1. Toothpaste stains on your clothes.

We get it.  You’re a busy man (or woman).  You multitask.  Yeah, that’s what people do.  That and HEROIN.  That’s right, by dripping some toothpaste out of the side of your mouth onto your clothing, you’re no better than a heroin addict to your perspective employer, and as much as Lassie thinks that heroin may be cool, the person who’s paying you to do a job may take a different view.  Don’t be a dummy, brush your teeth naked.

2. Using the word “Winchester” too much.

Yeah, I know.  Fucking obvious, right?  Yeah, that’s what I thought too, but according to this pie chart, 96% of candidates are rejected for their excessive use of the word Winchester.

Now, I’m not a religious man, but I’d say that’s a pretty high number, even by high number standards.  See, despite 37 studies to the contrary, in 1976 a certain paper was published that suggested that using the word “Winchester” in general conversation, regardless of context, gave the perception of a 10-20% increase in IQ.  Despite these studies to the contrary, there are still people who hold on to this retarded viewpoint.  For Winchester’s sake, just STOP IT.  As a side note, if you’re having trouble weening yourself off the word, you may want to try replacing it with “salubrious” which, to all extents and purposes, has the exact same meaning.  Try it right now.

3. Asking the interviewer why they refuse to stop “hitting themselves”.

It doesn’t work for earning respect and doesn’t make your parents stop shouting and most importantly, it won’t get you that job.  Sure, this technique is happily applicable to obtaining (a) Dinner money (b) Inner Peace and (c) Probate, however in the case of “A new job”, it is as effective as using a potato as a camera.

4. Delivering your answers in the voice of Stephen Hawking.

Sure, Mr Hawking is a very clever man.  We know that, you can Google it and there are loads of hits so it’s totes true obvs maybs amazeballs (on a sidenote, you have our permission to bludgeon all that use the phrase “amazeballs”, even ironically).  However what you’ve done there is confused how Venn Diagrams work.

You have confused the skinny little middle bit for the big bit on the right circle.  Sure Stevie H has a robovoice, but that is not the reason for his mad skillz.  No.  What you need is the left circle.  Instead of using Hawko’s voice for this, you may want to consider the voices of the following people instead:

(a) Joe Pasquale

Consider the voices and then dismiss them forever.

5. Getting the company name tattooed on your forehead.

Yes, you’re enthusiastic, we get that.  We can see you’re so enthusiastic that your face is turning red with excitement and adrenaline.  Your fists are clenched around the knuckle duster of enthusiasm and in a rush to show your willingness, you had a swastika inked just to the right of the word “Hobocorp” on your bleeding forehead.  The main thing with this point is to remember that it’s not all bad.  In many ways, it shows a keenness that most of the potential workforce wouldn’t be willing to commit.  However, it also shows you to be a fucking psycho who no-one in their right mind would want to spend a second longer with than necessary in fear of their life.  Unfortunately, that probably rules you out of being employed.  Instead, why not consider a tattoo of a parrot instead.  It’s colourful, everyone likes birds and it gets you 10% off posters at HMV.

6. Too much research.

In these days of zero-privacy, you’ve probably thought it was a good idea to do your research on your interviewer, meticulously working your way through their Facebook, Twitter and other online identities.  On the one hand, this can work out to be an advantage, for example, should your employer hate bagels, then you can make sure that you don’t bring a bagel to the interview.  However should you reach the “Do you have any questions for us?” stage of the interview and respond “Why does your wife Jessica always cry after sex?”, then you are more likely to cause unnecessary distress upon the interviewer as opposed to projecting your intended keenness.  Instead, why not photocopy an imprint of your arse and slip it into the pocket of the interviewer at the end of your enounter.

7. Harold Ramis.

Right?

8. Do not bring photos of your car to the interview, especially if you do not own a car.

Whilst it is very tempting to increase your prospect of employment by bringing either physical photos of your car, or a memory stick that contains a PowerPoint presentation containing many photos of the car you do or do not own, there is very little evidence that this will increase your propsect of getting that YAY from your potential boss.  There are many schools of thought that argue whether a gloss or matt finish to the physical photos themselves will have any baring as to influencing the interviewer, but why take a risk on unconfirmed theories?  If you really want to impress, bring photos of outtakes from Star Trek: The Next Generation, the only trialed and proven method of making anybody like you.

9. Don’t hide in a meeting room after your interview, wait for everybody to go home and then emerge to cover the office with your urine, marking your territory like a dog.

This will probably have the opposite effect to what you would hope.  Just look at dogs, they piss everywhere, but have you ever seen any gang violence between humans with guns and dogs with willies?  No, because dogs have no thumbs.  QED.

10. Relax!

What the hell is your problem, you dummy!?  Why don’t you relax you melodramatic BASTARD?  Why are you making such a big deal of things you insignificant leech!?  Nobody likes you anyway, so the worst that could possibly happen is that they upgrade this hatred to physical violence, which is VERY LIKELY, by the way.  JESUS POOP!

Free entry if you throw a cup of Cillit Bang in the doorman’s face. No wait, I mean free entry if you DON’T throw Cillit Bang in the doorman’s face. Jail if you do that in fact. Don’t do that. Why would you even think of that!? You’re sick, man. You need help. This Cillit Bang obsession is getting out of hand. The bathroom’s not even clean.

It’s on Noncebook here: https://www.facebook.com/events/354129247953390
Here is the address: Cafe 1001, 1 Dray Walk, Brick Lane, Shoreditch, London, E1 6SE

Oh yeah, and Luke ejected a remix so profound that it nullified religion, if you didn’t already know. Listen here: http://soundcloud.com/neonhighwire/easy-lover-hail-perestroika.

What she did do, however, was die unexpectedly.  I wasn’t expecting that.  So much was I not expecting it that only a week before she selfishly decided to go down in a blaze of glory/gin, I began planning a remix of “I wanna dance with somebody”.  In the wake of the staggering success of my Phil Collins remix*, taking on The Houston Challenge™ seemed inevitable.  But alas, it was not to be.  Selfish, selfish Whitney died along with any thoughts of remixing her seminal works (for the next 3 months at least).  We’re not really the sort to cash in on the death of any celebrity (unless they were a despot – I for one am pretty pumped for a Robert Mugabe themed album in the next few years).

So what next?  We at Neon Highwire Inc. are looking for your suggestions for the next remix.  What do YOU want to hear?  Please post any suggestions to our Facebook page and if we like them, we’ll chuffing do it.

Things to bear in mind when making your suggestions include:

1. I like 80s pop.
2. Jim likes German techno.
3. Steve likes the sound of kittens drowning in a washing machine.

Fire up your suggestokannons, PRONTO.

*57% more shimmering radiance than the original, as forcibly agreed by 7 readers of ‘Koi Carp weekly’ magazine.

Come, it’ll be FAB. Here’s a photo from a previous event, yeah:

BOOM! The crowd didn’t disappoint.