It’s New Years Eve.  By this point, an ovulating sheep should be straddling your chin dildo ready to welcome the gods of 2012.

Luke’s Albums Of 2011

01. Mogwai – Hardcore Will Never Die, But You Will
02. Wild Beasts – Smother
03. Rustie – Glass Swords
04. Russian Circles – Empros
05. Bombay Bicycle Club – A Different Kind Of Fix
06. Mastodon – The Hunter
07. ZZT – Partys Over Earth
08. Gang Gang Dance – Eye Contact
09. Radiohead – The King Of Limbs
10. SebestiAn – Total

Steve’s Albums Of 2011

01. The Weeknd – House Of Balloons
02. M83 – Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming
03. 13 & God – Own Your Ghost
04. Destroyer – Kaputt
05. SBTRKT – SBTRKT
06. Handsome Furs – Sound Kapital
07. Unknown Mortal Orchestra – Unknown Mortal Orchestra
08. Thurston Moore – Demolished Thoughts
09. araabMUZIK – Electronic Dream
10. Mister Heavenly – Out Of Love

Jim’s Albums Of 2011

01. ZZT – Partys Over Earth
02. Arnaud Rebotini – Someone Gave Me Religion
03. 13 & God – Own Your Ghost
04. Spank Rock – Everything Is Boring And Everyone Is A Fucking Liar
05. Mogwai – Hardcore Will Never Die, But You Will
06. SebastiAn – TOTAL
07. M83 – Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming
08. Daft Punk – Tron Legacy Reconfigured
09. Fenech-Soler – Fenech-Soler
10. Radiohead – The King Of Limbs

It’s that time of year again, and after Kanye’s sneaky December album release last year, we didn’t finalise this until this very day.

Click the titles for Spotify playlists or the track titles for Youtube links to each song.

Jim’s Favourites Of 2011

01. Future Of The Left – destroywhitchurch.com
02. Boys Noize & Housemeister – Shizzo
03. Connan Mockasin – Forever Dolphin Love (Erol Alkan Rework)
04. Rustie – City Star
05. Shabazz Palaces – Youlogy
06. Little Roy – Heart-Shaped Box
07. Siriusmo – High Together
08. Nicolas Jaar – Space Is Only Noise If You Can See
09. Digitalism – Antibiotics
10. MSTRKRFT – Back in the USSA/Beards Again

Steve’s Favourites Of 2011

01. The Weeknd – House Of Balloons / Glass Table Girls
02. M83 – Wait
03. Handsome Furs – Serve The People
04. The Antlers – I Don’t Want Love
05. Smith Westerns – Weekend
06. Django Django – Waveforms
07. Unknown Mortal Orchestra – How Can U Luv Me
08. Shabazz Palaces – Are You… Can You… Were You? (Felt)
09. Tyler, The Creator – Yonkers
10. Foster The People – Pumped Up Kicks

Luke’s Favourites Of 2011

01. Mogwai – San Pedro
02. Wild Beasts – End Come Too Soon
04. Russian Circles – Mladek
05. SebastiAn – Love In Motion
06. James Blake – Limit To Your Love
07. Bombay Bicycle Club – Your Eyes
08. Gang Gang Dance – Adult Goth
09. tUnE-yArDs – Bizness
10. ZZT – Vulkan Alarm!

Are you sick of end-of-year lists published by magazines way too late for your liking?  Enjoy reading about the best of the year in September so that you can enjoy Xmas the way R Kelly intended you to?  Well get those orgasm fingers ready because Neon Highwire are about to get real up in this treehouse.  We are releasing our best of list for 2013 album releases RIGHT NOW.

Yes, that’s right futher muckers, another first brought to you by Neonco.

Of course, with these lists, there has to be a preamble.  It was very difficult coming up with this list as most of these albums contain songs which haven’t even been written yet.  In fact, most tracks are probably nothing more than a scribble in a notebook in the backpocket of a soiled pair of Yoni Wolf’s corduroys at the moment, but as I’m sure you’ll agree

THAT DOESN’T MATTER.

Why be a slave to time and rationale?  Everything’s better in a list, that’s a biological fact proved by the following people:

1. Me

2. Myself

3. Ivor The Engine.

Some haters gon’ hate and get all huffy about the fact that our saying contains more sooth than a strepsil, but that’s because jealousy is as contagious and out-dated as SARS.

What’s that my friend?  Oh yes, here it is yourwelcomethankyoucomeagain:

10. Bus Casual – Public Transport Jeans & T-shirt

After Jack White’s collaboration with The Insane Clown Posse, most people had thought the limit had been reached of “Kooky Kollaborations” that were more interested in grabbing headlines than creating anything anyone would be remotely interested in listening to.  Though when Bono announced this Ghost-Of-Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Michael Jackson II (the first ever successful human clone), Jackie Chan and Barack Obama bavarian folk / dubstep collaboration, the internet went BALLISTIC.  On paper it should have been an absolute disaster, and arguably it was.  Despite the high profile of the names involved, such an unlikely collaboration was surely doomed to never possibly meet expectations, though perversely this likely warmed the contrary populous to the resulting release.  Worth an inclusion in this list for the ballad “Fuck Off You Fucking Pissflap” opening the proceedings alone.

9. Gary Glitter – Is It So Wrong?

Over the last two years, it’s hard to believe that Paul Gadd was once seen as a hate figure.  Perhaps it’s his true repentence in a fast-changing world, or perhaps it was the involvement of Max Clifford in proceedings, but even after Paul winning-the-heart of the nation on “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here”, people shouldn’t forget how good the music actually was.  Sounding like the album The XX should have released after their lauded debut, it was a ballsy move by Good Ol’ Paul (maybe Sir Paul soon?) to take such a bold stance.  As Piers Morgan himself said “Forgive and Forget and buy this album”.

8. Radiohead – Big p00 #/# Big Pl8

Always pioneers of new and interesting release strategy, this album divided the masses to an extent that even made Lou Reed blush.  The “Aurlbum” will surely go down in history as a defining point in the demise of the album.  Sure, some people dismissed the idea.  “It doesn’t actually exist” they cried, “There are no songs, this is the emperor’s new clothes” they vomited, but they forgot one thing.  It was a Radiohead release and music is a subset of Radiohead now, not the reverse.  People wanting them to record new songs and dismiss this as glorified begging (pay what you want) miss the point completely.  This is the future, do not be left behind.

7. The Beatles – Happy Sunshine

He may be the last Beatle still alive (I personally DON’T believe that he was guilty of Ringo’s tragic murder), but he was the most important, so fuck anyone who said he couldn’t recover the name.  In terms of ordering Beatles albums, it’s fair to say that it’s not their best, but this is easily the best release that Sir Paul has made in a decade.  Sonically this is inarguably a Beatles album, “Hey Jude, Remember Me” ranks as potentially the greatest follow-on-song since Metallica wowed the world with The Unforgiven II.  Stop reading, stop judging and buy this album now in 2013 (leaked Jan 2012) because even sub-par for the Beatles is better than most bands.

6. Various Artists – Quirky Smile Smile (OST)

Arguably this film would have been utterly shit if it weren’t for its incredible soundtrack.  It’s rumoured that the director spent nine months in the same cabin Bon Iver recorded his debut album in just listening to music on shuffle to find the tracks which he could write the film around.  The film itself has just forty six words in its script and was an incredibly ballsy move by Johnny Depp to take the role as lead actor having never seen the script till filming day but I’ll never be able to listen to Johnny & The Hurricanes’s “Red River Rock” again without thinking of that rainy scene on the boat.  Watch the film, buy the soundtrack, be amazed.

5. Bill Gates – Malari-ya-ya

Once a hated figure who crushed the little guy with un-ethical business practices, then a lauded philanthropist and investor in the causes the corporations saw no profit from, then the surprise maestro who created the masterpiece Malari-ya-ya.  Bill’s falsetto is impecable as he creates a world in these 15 tracks with nothing more than a ukelele and the Amen Break.  A true alchemist, the output far surpasses expectations and quite rightly won the Grammy for best solo artist.  We salute you Bill.

4. The Cast Of Glee – Fuck

In the marketing coup of the year, it was a stroke of genius that threw this curveball a capella speed metal release from a bunch of actors so repacable that they’re only referred to as The Cast Of Glee.  Fuck knows if I can even identify any of them, one might be sitting next to me right now for all I know, but it’s more a testament to the Timbaland revival that’s made this one a huge Xmas seller.  I bought three for my Princess Diana’s Memorial just today, I recommend you do the same.

3. SkrnLssPrtKkw – |/\|/\|\||<

In the two years since Jad Cobham collected the best of his limited-run output as the 2xCD Burns, his SkrnLssPrtKkw project has become one of the new synth-music underground’s most reliable purveyors of trippy, arpeggio-heavy psychedelia. Last year’s f. marked an intensification of his method and an amplification of his range– from pure noise to breathtaking lyricism– but it didn’t significantly break with his established mode. |/\|/\|\||< does. For one thing, it’s the first time that sampling has become central to |/\|/\|\||<’s music. While |/\|/\|\||< hasn’t retired his trusty Roland Juno 60, it plays a supporting role, adding color and texture to loops sourced from bootleg DVDs of old television ads.

2. Robbie Williams – Cheeky Boy!

I was the last person to think I’d fall in love with a Robbie Williams album.  For years I’ve found the sight of his cunty face enough to make me punch a wall until my knuckles are merely dust held in by my bloody flesh.  Everything about his persona, his uninspired music and his nausiating blandness made me think that I’d rather see him gourged in a bull fight than write another note of music in his sorry life, but how wrong I was.  Cheeky Boy! is a veritable triumph.  Maybe it was his time back with the relatively-respectable Take That, or maybe it was just the fact that he relinquished all song-writing responsibilities for this recording, but what remains is a luscious collection of the perfect pop album.  It makes you nostalgic for a summer that never existed, a moment in your past that made you smile.  It’s everything music should be.  I’m glad he’s not dead.

1. Fliss – This Is My Moment

It was the saviour of the X-Factor.  For years the show seemed more interested in the drama than the music.  Resembling Hulk Hogan‘s WWF more than an actual talent competition.  The detachment from reality had gone so far as to see the audience openly mock the judges by voting Robosing 2000 the winner of 2012′s show with its monotonous rendition of “Digital Love” by Daft Punk.  Though this album was only released in the last week of 2013, it was the album which made the year worthwhile.  It was hard to believe Fliss was going to be capable of such creativity during her first few appearances in the show when she showed her growler to the judges.  It was a shrewd move to get the audience to see her worst side during the earlier stages before upping the ante for the last few rounds with her incredible rendition of Blur’s “Song 2″, but even then, the resulting album surely could not have been expected.  Some see her surgical auto-tune operation as being a disgusting attention grabbing move, but never before has someone sung so well.  I haven’t even heard the music, but I already know it’s a masterpiece, even Louis Walsh said so and he’s the litmus paper of the music industry.

It has been stated in the Bible that moving home is the second most stressful thing you can do to covering up the murder of your offspring.  As I have been reaffirming the truth in this statement of late, I feel obliged to share my handy guide to oft-overlooked pointers to remember when moving home that will hopefully assist you the next time you have to go through the turgid operation.

1) Estate agents are not people, and as such do not hold the same human rights as people

Some people will try to tell you that Estate Agents are merely salesmen and women who are paid by commission in a stressful working environment which requires long hours.

Don’t listen to them.

It is a little known fact that Estate Agents aren’t in fact people at all.  Whilst the human sapien has evolved from hominids, Estate Agents in fact were derived from a different path and coincidentally share many similar appearance to human beings.  They were derived from the faeces of the hominids and due to being rejected by the bodies of these primitive beings, have been evolutionarily tuned to hate homo sapiens.  They propogate this hate through their disguise as them and subsequently utilising their predatory skill to lie with incredible conviction time and time again.

As they are not human beings, killing them will only leave you subjected to the Animal Welfare Act of 2006 which will see you barely serving a prison sentence, whilst gaining the respect of your peers and that person you fancy.

2) Boxes are not very good at playing chess

In preparation for the move, you will need to pack many things into boxes.  Over time, there will be many boxes in your home, filled with your possessions.

However, do not be fooled into thinking that this will make them good at playing chess.

It is a little known fact that despite incidental evidence on Youtube, boxes are in fact incapable of playing chess and furthermore any motion or thought whatsoever.  A game of chess with a box will consistently end in stalemate as if you go first, then the second turn can physically never happen, whilst if the box goes first then this problem will arise from the start of the game.

The best solution to this problem is to not play games of chess with boxes.  However, they are more than capable of playing Guitar Hero, but do not engage them in a co-operative battle, but opt for a versus, as it is very likely that you will win that way.  Oh, and they like Coldplay like total dicks.

3) It is no fun removing duct tape from your hair

My main reason to include this point is that calling duct tape duct tape, as it is the name it was christened with, is a personal irk of reknowned swordsman Ljuke Fjussell.  He genuinely thinks you should call it duck tape, despite the fact that ducks are reknowned rapists not unlike Kreayshawn.  The thing is, duct tape is great for taping over ducts, and even for taping up boxes as boxes are reknowned for being into S&M, however hair DOES NOT LIKE IT.

The main reason for this is because the tape is brown and hair is naturally racist.  This has been a worldwide problem that the government of New Guinea has been working on since the Stegosaurus roamed the earth (Travelcard expired).  So far its findings are inconclusive, much like the TV series Lost.

4) Learning semaphore as a communication medium will not help you move

Seems a bit counter-intuitive this one, am I right?  Am I right?  Am I right?  Well, contrary to that advertising campaign spearheaded by Hewlett Packard in 1066, whilst being an incredible tool for female arousal, semaphore has no positive effect to relocating your abode location from one place to another.  Whilst no law suit ever challenged Hewlett Packard (And The News)’s statement, this guy in the pub swore this one was true.

5) Staples are NOT a removals company

Turns out they neither specialise in Staples either, I just don’t know what to believe anymore.  I was also disappointed to discover that they weren’t founded in Naples either.

and last and least:

6) Make sure that the place you are moving to is NOT haunted by the ghost of Michael Bolton

True, Michael Bolton is still alive, but in his recent autobiography titled “Shut It Slag, I Ain’t From Bolton It’s Just Me Surname Innit”, Mike-o-rama (as he is known to his friends) revealed that he has drawn up a list of places he intends to haunt after he passes over to the after-wife (a special version of the afterlife made for Michael where he has sex with every woman that has every fantasised about him which will take him to the end of time).  Throwing caution to the wind and the risk of being sued by his team of lawyers, I shall reproduce the list here for you to check against the list of ONE which should be the place where you are moving to:

i) Bracknell Town Hall

ii) Clitheroe Leisure Centre Sports Hall

iii) 14 Electric Avenue

If your end destination is NOT on this list then you do not need to revise your moving plan.

So that’s it, I hope this comes in handy, and feel free to print this out and staple it to your fridge for future reference when moving home.  However if you don’t have a printer, then you can remember these points using this handy system!

Just remember Ethan Barry Indigo Leopard Sally Markalmond.  Confused?  Well notice that in that catchy phrase, each first letter is the same as the first letter of the titles of the points above.  Once you’ve learned the phrase you’ll be able to go “Hmm, what was point three again?  I know!  Ethan, Barry, Indigo!  I is the first letter!  Of course, “It is no fun removing duct tape from your hair”!! Thanks the Highwinon!”.

So, Justin bored me in the end.  I couldn’t work out the best way to eliminate him with blunt household items and ended up smashing my ipod into a snowman in frustration.  Water a way to go.  I found a list on his blog.  I copied it out below.  Apparently they’re what his good friends in Paris are listening to.  YEAH RIGHT JUSTIN. HALF OF THIS STUFF ISNT EVEN FRENCH AND I DOUBT YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE FRANCE IS YOU PRE-JACK AUTOMATON

1 Boys Noize & Erol Alkan – Avalanche/Lemonade, Boys Noize – 10″10″/Yeah
2 Errors – Come Down With Me
3 Foals - Total Life Forever
4 Noisia – Split the Atomt
5 Das Racist – Shut Up, Dude / Sit Down, Man
6 65daysofstatic  – We Were Exploding Anyway
7 Flying Lotus - Cosmogramma
8 LCD Soundsystem  – This Is Happening
9 Fourtet  - There Is Love In You
10 Digitalism – Blitz EP

Arrogance.  Most of my favourite things this year have been EPs and single tracks, but I listen to (1) as a mini album so figure I can get away with two becoming one.  If you disagree, don’t?

FUCKING MAGNETS, HOW DO THEY WORK?  This list is the only one that matters, other than my list of favourite tracks which also matters of course.  This list is the definitive one though.  All the best albums of the year, which happen to number ten. Of course we didn’t release an album this year, else the list would just be Neon Highwire – Omlette Potatoes over and over again as no other album would be worth listening to and I would learn not to name albums on an empty stomach again.  Here’s my lizst:

Menomena – Mines
Liars – Sisterworld
Crystal Castles – II
Errors – Come Down With Me
Das Racist – Shut Up, Dude / Sit Down, Man
Of Montreal – False Priest
Sleigh Bells – Treats
Nedry – Condors
Flying Lotus – Cosmogramma
Xiu Xiu – Dear God, I Hate Myself

BOOM! Crimminy wah wah!  How could I beat that list?!  I don’t think it’s possible.  Best plough on regardless, in spite of having been shamed into insignificance by Bieber and his wank-biscuits.

So, you’ve seen the ultimo A-list of tracks, now it’s album o’clock.  I found this a bit tougher, as there’ve been a lot of choice EPs to listen to this year (Gallops, Three Trapped Tigers, Les Petits Pilous, etc. etc.), but I got there eventually.  Here goes…

Crystal Castles – Crystal Castles II

Chromeo – Business Casual

Pulled Apart By Horses – Pulled Apart By Horses

65DaysOfStatic – We Were Exploding Anyway

Noisia – Split the Atom

Nedry – Condors

Errors – Come Down with Me

Four Tet – There Is Love In You

Foals – Total Life Forever

Two Door Cinema Club – Tourist History

BOOM!  Who would’ve thought that Susan Boyle didn’t make it in there?  Maybe next year big Suzy – keep on truckin’.

Merry Christmas everyone!  I’m off to dress up as a mountie in diamonte jeggings for the remainder of the weekend.  Why not? Exactly.

MATE!  I’ve been embracing the pop this year, like John Pemberton but less dead.  My list speaks volumes about the direction I’ve been going in musically this year and rather than muddy its impact with too long a preamble, here is the baddest boy of them all…

Justin Bieber – Baby
Susan Boyle – Hallelujah
Lil Wayne – Paradice
Christina Aguilera – The Beautiful People
Black Eyed Peas – The Time (Dirty Bit)
Usher – OMG
Nickelback – This Afternoon
Scouting For Girls – Little Miss Naughty
Neil Morrissey – England’s On The Way (The lion sleeps tonight)
James Corden & Dizzee Rascal – Shout

Don’t knock it until you’ve heard every gem on that list.  YESH!

If I could live my life using alliterated vocabulary alone… I wouldn’t.  It would be a stupid idea.  Really stupid.  Wow, I can’t believe you actually thought I was going to say I would!  That’s crazy talk!

As it’s the end of the year and I’m stuffed on caviar and getting tired of the taste of Cristal, I figured I’d also make a list of ten tracks which are blowing people’s minds throughout the nation within a one foot radius of my nose.

Health – USA Boys

Errors – Supertribe

Beach House – Zebra

Ted Leo and the Pharmacists – Bottled In Cork

Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs – Household Goods

Das Racist – You Oughta Know

Ratatat – Drugs

Sleigh Bells – Tell ‘Em

Of Montreal – Enemy Gene

Gallops – Miami Spider

I can’t wait to see Jim’s tracks tomorrow.  I hope we’re in for a surprise.

Well, in case you are massively retarded and haven’t noticed, it’s nearly the end of the year. OMFG! Really?! Yes. Deal with it.

Let’s face it. We are interesting people. Damn it, we’re important people! Our opinions matter to literally handfuls of people and we want to share those opinions with you, because it’s the end of the year. THAT’S A REAL REASON. YOU DON’T KNOW! YOU WATCHED RAIN MAN AND THOUGHT IT WAS A COMEDY ABOUT PEOPLE WHO CAN’T TALK PROPERLY.

Anyway, in the spirit of dragging things out for way longer than is arguably necessary, over the next 6 days we will be bringing you our individual Top 10 tracks and albums of 2010. I have the best list so am going first. Putting Steve’s list up would ensure nobody ever came back to this site ever again in disgust. Today it’s the turn of my fave TRACKS.   I’ve even put Spotify links in there for you, so you know what the tits I’m harping on about.  Here goes (in no particular order)…

Fake Blood – I think I like it

Les Petits Pilous – Goog

Gallops – Miami Spider

Three Trapped Tigers – 11

Noisia – Red Heat

Chromeo – Night By Night

Errors – A rumour in Africa

Foals – Spanish Sahara

Boys Noize & Errol Alkan – Lemonade

Djedjotronic – Gum Attack

That’s it! What an amazing list, huh? Yep, it’s time to crack out those festive jeggings and get bouncing!
Wow, I’m good. More tomorrow, you lucky people…