OH WELL!

Are you sick of end-of-year lists published by magazines way too late for your liking?  Enjoy reading about the best of the year in September so that you can enjoy Xmas the way R Kelly intended you to?  Well get those orgasm fingers ready because Neon Highwire are about to get real up in this treehouse.  We are releasing our best of list for 2013 album releases RIGHT NOW.

Yes, that’s right futher muckers, another first brought to you by Neonco.

Of course, with these lists, there has to be a preamble.  It was very difficult coming up with this list as most of these albums contain songs which haven’t even been written yet.  In fact, most tracks are probably nothing more than a scribble in a notebook in the backpocket of a soiled pair of Yoni Wolf’s corduroys at the moment, but as I’m sure you’ll agree

THAT DOESN’T MATTER.

Why be a slave to time and rationale?  Everything’s better in a list, that’s a biological fact proved by the following people:

1. Me

2. Myself

3. Ivor The Engine.

Some haters gon’ hate and get all huffy about the fact that our saying contains more sooth than a strepsil, but that’s because jealousy is as contagious and out-dated as SARS.

What’s that my friend?  Oh yes, here it is yourwelcomethankyoucomeagain:

10. Bus Casual – Public Transport Jeans & T-shirt

After Jack White’s collaboration with The Insane Clown Posse, most people had thought the limit had been reached of “Kooky Kollaborations” that were more interested in grabbing headlines than creating anything anyone would be remotely interested in listening to.  Though when Bono announced this Ghost-Of-Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Michael Jackson II (the first ever successful human clone), Jackie Chan and Barack Obama bavarian folk / dubstep collaboration, the internet went BALLISTIC.  On paper it should have been an absolute disaster, and arguably it was.  Despite the high profile of the names involved, such an unlikely collaboration was surely doomed to never possibly meet expectations, though perversely this likely warmed the contrary populous to the resulting release.  Worth an inclusion in this list for the ballad “Fuck Off You Fucking Pissflap” opening the proceedings alone.

9. Gary Glitter – Is It So Wrong?

Over the last two years, it’s hard to believe that Paul Gadd was once seen as a hate figure.  Perhaps it’s his true repentence in a fast-changing world, or perhaps it was the involvement of Max Clifford in proceedings, but even after Paul winning-the-heart of the nation on “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here”, people shouldn’t forget how good the music actually was.  Sounding like the album The XX should have released after their lauded debut, it was a ballsy move by Good Ol’ Paul (maybe Sir Paul soon?) to take such a bold stance.  As Piers Morgan himself said “Forgive and Forget and buy this album”.

8. Radiohead – Big p00 #/# Big Pl8

Always pioneers of new and interesting release strategy, this album divided the masses to an extent that even made Lou Reed blush.  The “Aurlbum” will surely go down in history as a defining point in the demise of the album.  Sure, some people dismissed the idea.  “It doesn’t actually exist” they cried, “There are no songs, this is the emperor’s new clothes” they vomited, but they forgot one thing.  It was a Radiohead release and music is a subset of Radiohead now, not the reverse.  People wanting them to record new songs and dismiss this as glorified begging (pay what you want) miss the point completely.  This is the future, do not be left behind.

7. The Beatles – Happy Sunshine

He may be the last Beatle still alive (I personally DON’T believe that he was guilty of Ringo’s tragic murder), but he was the most important, so fuck anyone who said he couldn’t recover the name.  In terms of ordering Beatles albums, it’s fair to say that it’s not their best, but this is easily the best release that Sir Paul has made in a decade.  Sonically this is inarguably a Beatles album, “Hey Jude, Remember Me” ranks as potentially the greatest follow-on-song since Metallica wowed the world with The Unforgiven II.  Stop reading, stop judging and buy this album now in 2013 (leaked Jan 2012) because even sub-par for the Beatles is better than most bands.

6. Various Artists – Quirky Smile Smile (OST)

Arguably this film would have been utterly shit if it weren’t for its incredible soundtrack.  It’s rumoured that the director spent nine months in the same cabin Bon Iver recorded his debut album in just listening to music on shuffle to find the tracks which he could write the film around.  The film itself has just forty six words in its script and was an incredibly ballsy move by Johnny Depp to take the role as lead actor having never seen the script till filming day but I’ll never be able to listen to Johnny & The Hurricanes’s “Red River Rock” again without thinking of that rainy scene on the boat.  Watch the film, buy the soundtrack, be amazed.

5. Bill Gates – Malari-ya-ya

Once a hated figure who crushed the little guy with un-ethical business practices, then a lauded philanthropist and investor in the causes the corporations saw no profit from, then the surprise maestro who created the masterpiece Malari-ya-ya.  Bill’s falsetto is impecable as he creates a world in these 15 tracks with nothing more than a ukelele and the Amen Break.  A true alchemist, the output far surpasses expectations and quite rightly won the Grammy for best solo artist.  We salute you Bill.

4. The Cast Of Glee – Fuck

In the marketing coup of the year, it was a stroke of genius that threw this curveball a capella speed metal release from a bunch of actors so repacable that they’re only referred to as The Cast Of Glee.  Fuck knows if I can even identify any of them, one might be sitting next to me right now for all I know, but it’s more a testament to the Timbaland revival that’s made this one a huge Xmas seller.  I bought three for my Princess Diana’s Memorial just today, I recommend you do the same.

3. SkrnLssPrtKkw – |/\|/\|\||<

In the two years since Jad Cobham collected the best of his limited-run output as the 2xCD Burns, his SkrnLssPrtKkw project has become one of the new synth-music underground’s most reliable purveyors of trippy, arpeggio-heavy psychedelia. Last year’s f. marked an intensification of his method and an amplification of his range– from pure noise to breathtaking lyricism– but it didn’t significantly break with his established mode. |/\|/\|\||< does. For one thing, it’s the first time that sampling has become central to |/\|/\|\||<’s music. While |/\|/\|\||< hasn’t retired his trusty Roland Juno 60, it plays a supporting role, adding color and texture to loops sourced from bootleg DVDs of old television ads.

2. Robbie Williams – Cheeky Boy!

I was the last person to think I’d fall in love with a Robbie Williams album.  For years I’ve found the sight of his cunty face enough to make me punch a wall until my knuckles are merely dust held in by my bloody flesh.  Everything about his persona, his uninspired music and his nausiating blandness made me think that I’d rather see him gourged in a bull fight than write another note of music in his sorry life, but how wrong I was.  Cheeky Boy! is a veritable triumph.  Maybe it was his time back with the relatively-respectable Take That, or maybe it was just the fact that he relinquished all song-writing responsibilities for this recording, but what remains is a luscious collection of the perfect pop album.  It makes you nostalgic for a summer that never existed, a moment in your past that made you smile.  It’s everything music should be.  I’m glad he’s not dead.

1. Fliss – This Is My Moment

It was the saviour of the X-Factor.  For years the show seemed more interested in the drama than the music.  Resembling Hulk Hogan‘s WWF more than an actual talent competition.  The detachment from reality had gone so far as to see the audience openly mock the judges by voting Robosing 2000 the winner of 2012′s show with its monotonous rendition of “Digital Love” by Daft Punk.  Though this album was only released in the last week of 2013, it was the album which made the year worthwhile.  It was hard to believe Fliss was going to be capable of such creativity during her first few appearances in the show when she showed her growler to the judges.  It was a shrewd move to get the audience to see her worst side during the earlier stages before upping the ante for the last few rounds with her incredible rendition of Blur’s “Song 2″, but even then, the resulting album surely could not have been expected.  Some see her surgical auto-tune operation as being a disgusting attention grabbing move, but never before has someone sung so well.  I haven’t even heard the music, but I already know it’s a masterpiece, even Louis Walsh said so and he’s the litmus paper of the music industry.

It has been stated in the Bible that moving home is the second most stressful thing you can do to covering up the murder of your offspring.  As I have been reaffirming the truth in this statement of late, I feel obliged to share my handy guide to oft-overlooked pointers to remember when moving home that will hopefully assist you the next time you have to go through the turgid operation.

1) Estate agents are not people, and as such do not hold the same human rights as people

Some people will try to tell you that Estate Agents are merely salesmen and women who are paid by commission in a stressful working environment which requires long hours.

Don’t listen to them.

It is a little known fact that Estate Agents aren’t in fact people at all.  Whilst the human sapien has evolved from hominids, Estate Agents in fact were derived from a different path and coincidentally share many similar appearance to human beings.  They were derived from the faeces of the hominids and due to being rejected by the bodies of these primitive beings, have been evolutionarily tuned to hate homo sapiens.  They propogate this hate through their disguise as them and subsequently utilising their predatory skill to lie with incredible conviction time and time again.

As they are not human beings, killing them will only leave you subjected to the Animal Welfare Act of 2006 which will see you barely serving a prison sentence, whilst gaining the respect of your peers and that person you fancy.

2) Boxes are not very good at playing chess

In preparation for the move, you will need to pack many things into boxes.  Over time, there will be many boxes in your home, filled with your possessions.

However, do not be fooled into thinking that this will make them good at playing chess.

It is a little known fact that despite incidental evidence on Youtube, boxes are in fact incapable of playing chess and furthermore any motion or thought whatsoever.  A game of chess with a box will consistently end in stalemate as if you go first, then the second turn can physically never happen, whilst if the box goes first then this problem will arise from the start of the game.

The best solution to this problem is to not play games of chess with boxes.  However, they are more than capable of playing Guitar Hero, but do not engage them in a co-operative battle, but opt for a versus, as it is very likely that you will win that way.  Oh, and they like Coldplay like total dicks.

3) It is no fun removing duct tape from your hair

My main reason to include this point is that calling duct tape duct tape, as it is the name it was christened with, is a personal irk of reknowned swordsman Ljuke Fjussell.  He genuinely thinks you should call it duck tape, despite the fact that ducks are reknowned rapists not unlike Kreayshawn.  The thing is, duct tape is great for taping over ducts, and even for taping up boxes as boxes are reknowned for being into S&M, however hair DOES NOT LIKE IT.

The main reason for this is because the tape is brown and hair is naturally racist.  This has been a worldwide problem that the government of New Guinea has been working on since the Stegosaurus roamed the earth (Travelcard expired).  So far its findings are inconclusive, much like the TV series Lost.

4) Learning semaphore as a communication medium will not help you move

Seems a bit counter-intuitive this one, am I right?  Am I right?  Am I right?  Well, contrary to that advertising campaign spearheaded by Hewlett Packard in 1066, whilst being an incredible tool for female arousal, semaphore has no positive effect to relocating your abode location from one place to another.  Whilst no law suit ever challenged Hewlett Packard (And The News)’s statement, this guy in the pub swore this one was true.

5) Staples are NOT a removals company

Turns out they neither specialise in Staples either, I just don’t know what to believe anymore.  I was also disappointed to discover that they weren’t founded in Naples either.

and last and least:

6) Make sure that the place you are moving to is NOT haunted by the ghost of Michael Bolton

True, Michael Bolton is still alive, but in his recent autobiography titled “Shut It Slag, I Ain’t From Bolton It’s Just Me Surname Innit”, Mike-o-rama (as he is known to his friends) revealed that he has drawn up a list of places he intends to haunt after he passes over to the after-wife (a special version of the afterlife made for Michael where he has sex with every woman that has every fantasised about him which will take him to the end of time).  Throwing caution to the wind and the risk of being sued by his team of lawyers, I shall reproduce the list here for you to check against the list of ONE which should be the place where you are moving to:

i) Bracknell Town Hall

ii) Clitheroe Leisure Centre Sports Hall

iii) 14 Electric Avenue

If your end destination is NOT on this list then you do not need to revise your moving plan.

So that’s it, I hope this comes in handy, and feel free to print this out and staple it to your fridge for future reference when moving home.  However if you don’t have a printer, then you can remember these points using this handy system!

Just remember Ethan Barry Indigo Leopard Sally Markalmond.  Confused?  Well notice that in that catchy phrase, each first letter is the same as the first letter of the titles of the points above.  Once you’ve learned the phrase you’ll be able to go “Hmm, what was point three again?  I know!  Ethan, Barry, Indigo!  I is the first letter!  Of course, “It is no fun removing duct tape from your hair”!! Thanks the Highwinon!”.

Incredible interview with Ian MacKaye put up on Pitchfork today.  He has a unique, unbiased perspective and this interview is worth a read even if you’ve never heard one note of Fugazi.

Choice quotes:

“I’m all for file sharing. That’s great– as long as people are prepared for the significant consequences. One is that music will become completely couched in advertising. That’s already happened. And another is that people should be prepared to have fun with the past because the only music that can possibly be free is the music that’s from the past. It costs money to make music. And if people are prepared to only have the past to listen to, then let it be free.”

“Come the early 90s, when you had this so-called grunge stuff and when videos became so dominant, you had this totally huge shift in the culture of shows. There was a yahoo factor where everyone had to crowd surf at all times. There were shows we played where there were 50 people crowd surfing at one time! It was insane, and it had nothing to do with the music. It didn’t make a difference if the song was fast or loud or quiet or slow. It was behavior that was almost recreating things people saw in videos.”

Alas, I was one of those yahoos.

“Then, in the late 90s, there was a reverse. Everyone would stand stock still and be so attentive and quiet. But then, it was almost like, “C’mon people! Engage– make a show with us!” You can hear these different eras pass through in the recordings.”

I’ll just leave this here.

“Imagine you’re in a band, and when you played shows, people were permanently disfigured or injured. That there was a number of times when people lost the ability to walk because they came to see your fucking show! These were people who got jumped on. How does that feel? It fucking sucks! Do you like to walk? I like to walk.

[The criticism of our banter] shows this deeply fucked up, cynical attitude. Like, “He’s trying to cut back on our freedoms.” Freedom to what? To injure people? Fuck you. You’re not free to do that. If I’m having a dinner party, you’re not welcome to fucking cut my other guests.”

This is the attitude every band should have to their shows.

“I’ve been criticized over the years for so much. I just don’t give a fuck. I never have given a fuck. And I think that’s probably what drives people so crazy. Obviously, I care a lot. I wouldn’t be talking with you if I didn’t. I wouldn’t have done the website. It’s important to me. But the other side of this is that I don’t give a fuck if someone is going to try to be really negative about something. That’s why you don’t read comments; fuck a bunch of comments.

Ultimately, I know what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. I’m trying to be a construction worker. I’m trying to make things. If people are not interested in that, fine. I just don’t give a damn. Truth is, right now two bombs could drop out of the sky and blow up this house and whatever building you’re in and just obliterate Dischord and Pitchfork. And there’ll be some people crying, there’ll be some slow singing, but for 99% of the world, it won’t even affect the fly on their soup. Most of the world never have, or ever will hear of me, Fugazi, or Pitchfork. Right now, someone just got killed in Ukraine. Do you feel any different?”

How much do you lie?  How often do you choose to be dishonest over the alternative?  How many times do you choose words that are expected over what you really want to say?  I still remember the first time I was taught the term “white lie”.  It seemed that one too many times I’d answered the question “how are you?” as though it had a greater distance from its rhetorical purpose and my dad taught me a quick fix alternative.
“Fine thanks”.

Not great, not good, not sick, not average, just fine.  A word with just enough hint of reluctance to block the conversational path and force the flow of pleasantries into an alternative channel.  It’s not that you’re trying to end the conversation altogether, just that these introductory pleasantries are merely a traditional dance that must be undertaken before moving on to less predictable subjects.

Often I wish I could apply the Wadsworth Constant to these conversations, skipping forward to the 30% mark as though our paths had as much free will as a Youtube video.  How great it is to be able to bypass these often tedious pleasantries in order to spend more time with the unexpected.  “How dry do things you place in bins marked ‘Dry Recyclables’ really need to be?”.  It’s a valid question, and one that can take a conversation in any number of directions, but alas to begin a conversation at this point will likely catch your partner’s mind unprepared thus rendering the question inappropriate and weird rather than an attempt at bypassing the boring.  All too often unprepared matters like this will be swatted away with one of the following two lines of thought, and here’s why they’re both a pile of shit:

“It’s an inside joke that I don’t get.  It’s a bit rude that they’ve brought it up in front of me, but I’ll just wait it out until they talk about something I can possibly know something about”.

I know plenty of people of do this (particularly as so many of my friends are IT geeks).  There are an abundance of quotes, running jokes or memes that people use to create an artificial “us and them” bond which substitutes the need for real wit or humour.  However life is far more enjoyable to assume each in-joke surreal.  If the person’s not a dick, they’ll go with you on it and you can have an in-joke of your own, but if not, then it’s an easy way to identify a dick.  Win win.

“Weird”.

In this case, the idea of an inside joke has not even been entertained, and instead, the outsider has decided to classify the whole thing as exceptional, strange or weird in order to solidify the fact that the problem lies with the person who made the original comment.  This is the refuge or the unimaginative, the boring and the pointless.  This approach shows no open-mindedness, no spirit of joy or exploration, just a defacto way of dismissing anything misunderstood.  To be called weird is an insult, but feel not bad yourself, just have pity on the hollow empty life the name-caller must live.  Have pity on them for they are done with learning.  They have experienced enough to know how not to shit on their own lips or drink from all available sources of liquids.

TL;DR: Everyone at work went to the pub at lunch time and forgot to invite me, so I tried to comfort myself with words.

1. Form band. ✓

2. Write songs. ✓

3. Record debut EP in bedroom. ✓

4. Play lots of local gigs to anyone and everyone who asks us to. ✓

5. Develop local, mostly indifferent fanbase. ✓

6. Create confusing, conflicting, unprofessional public facing persona which screams “WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE’RE DOING”. ✓

7. Get noticed by scout with an eye for the easily exploited.

8. Get signed into inflexible, cleverly disguised, shit contract by major label “cool” offshoot based on some approximation of an affluent nineties music business model.

9. Have label destroy previous persona and all traces of it and replace it with a new, calculated approach that increases mystery and artificial persona of coolness and fanbase.  Have exciting one-sentence and one paragraph written about the band that is 10% true.

10. Record another EP, this time with a well known producer of label’s choosing.

11. Play less gigs at unexpected venues (Dreams Bed Store?).  Have paid actors paid to attend shows to give audience a vibe of “cool” that gives bloggers everywhere a load of chubbies.

12. Have unexpected, respected people paid to come out as fans of your work (Brian Blessed? The ghost of Hunter S Thompson? Lady Gaga?).

13. Become #1 on Hypem.com.

14. Record debut album.

15. Read glowing albums of debut album that basically believe the press release.  Ignore reviews from publications to “take a stand” on the release, giving it 4.9 / 10.

16. Do massive drugs.

17. Tour, party, tour, appear on TV shows, tour, do interviews with the same series of questions asked every time (“I can’t even fucking remember anymore, maybe something to do with a dream about a glowing tightrope? Jesus, it’s so long ago now you might as well be asking me what I was thinking about during my first wank”), spend lots of time in smelly, noisy clubs and venues.

18. Write songs for second album in sparse tour gaps.  Play mediocre ideas to yeasayers and new-found hangers on who mock-swoon at its wonderfulness.  Believe the hype and misguidedly decide on one-chord, seven minute song as ballsy album opener.

19. Record second album with different producer who secretly hates us after we insist on track #1.

20. Read mediocre reviews of second album that are even less informed than those of the first album.  Convince selves of superiority that will be recognised years from now, like some sort of twenty first century Van Gogh.

21. Watch fanbase reduce in number as the “I heard of them first” hipster factor can no longer apply, dividing people into those who actually liked the music and those who just liked saying “Hey, have you heard any Neon Highwire? No? Oh man, you’ve gotta take a listen, it’s the Next Big Thing (NBT)”.

22. Get quietly dropped by major label, despair.

23. Get picked up by smaller label, release single on label based on offcut ideas from the second album to mass indifference.

24. Tour to modest fanbase, develop massive drug addiction.

25. Get into serious debt.

26. Argue within band, develop it to physical fights, only contact each other through the medium of press making the only thing people remember us for is our well-publicised arguments, forgetting we even made any music.

27. Break up quietly.

28. Get mediocre jobs and major chips on shoulders.

29. Wait ten years kill one of the other two, hide evidence to create conspiracy theories and get our names back in the press.

30. Quit jobs, reform, replace dead member with Johnny Marr on a zimmer frame.

31. Put on show with extortionate door and bar prices (£6 per pint) to exploit grown up fanbase now with disposable income.

32. Turn show into “Greatest Hits Tour” riding on the notoriety of the dead member.  Do interviews with tabloids asking people to stop speculating on the cause of their death to allow friends and family to grieve, perversely then increasing the speculation.

33. Write series of uninspired solo releases funded by greatest hits tour of songs you can’t even remember writing.  At some point record a reggae song that nobody in their right mind could ever have thought was a good idea.

34. Talk about early material in interviews in a glorified manner (“It’s a representation of the struggle within society in a way that this generation will never understand.  The contrast of the luminescent glow of something so instantly appealing with the potentially lethal drop that comes from using it incorrectly.  Life is delicate, life is precious, but it’s also a drug that rides on the wings of blah sandwiches.”).

35. Make jokes about selling out thus making it “cool” to sell out because we like already know it yeah? META WINKS ];)

36. Fake suicides of two remaining original members, have all material reremastered and rereleased every five years with different packaging each time and ridiculous price tag in secret deal with Johnny Marr that sees him skim 20% off the top to keep his mouth shut.

37. Send Johnny new “rough” tracks occasionally for remastered albums to be included as bonus lost tracks.  Make them intentionally shit, but still get 9.4 reviews in some publications for “best new reissue”.

38. Live new life off financial rewards whilst writing soundtrack music from studio on beach under a pseudonym.

39. Hate mankind.

Inspired by ‘that‘ video which has been doing the rounds lately, find out whether or not you are a hipster by taking the quiz below.

Were you raised in an area of above average affluence? [ ]
Do you live in East London? [ ]
Did your schoolmates used to call you names? [ ]
Do you now reside in the sorts of estates said schoolmates once lived in? [ ]
Do you have a moustache? [ ]
Do you have other facial hair? [ ]
Do you own and wear a low cut vest? [ ]
Do you own and wear leggings? [ ]
Do you have any photographs of you wearing Venetian Blind shades? [ ]
Do you wear empty framed glasses? [ ]
Do you have any sailor tattoos? [ ]
Do you wear loafers with no socks? [ ]
Do you own and wear a keffiyeh? [ ]
Do you own and wear a snood? [ ]
Are your trousers too tight to fit a hand in the pocket? [ ]
Do you wear a necklace with a retro centrepiece? [ ]
Have you spent over £50 on a haircut? [ ]
Do you own a fixed gear bicycle? [ ]
Would you describe your dress sense as ironic? [ ]
Would you describe your dress sense as unique? [ ]
Would you describe your dress sense as pastiche? [ ]
Aren’t goths of the nineties and emo kids of the noughties lame, claiming uniqueness whilst all dressing the same way? [ ]
Does you not give a shit about your nerdy dress sense’s malignment to your academic achivements? [ ]
Are most of your clothes second hand? [ ]
Do you regularly shop at American Apparel? [ ]
Do you do drugs? [ ]
Do you do cool drugs? [ ]
Do you do massive drugs? [ ]
Do you enjoy casual sex? [ ]
Do you wonder how hot you look like whilst engaging in casual sex? [ ]
Would you only consider having sex with someone who dresses in a similar way to you? [ ]
Have you blogged about the sex you’re having whilst having it? [ ]
Are you of indeterminate sexual preference? [ ]
Do you wait for other people’s opinions before you can say whether you like a band? [ ]
Are you in a band? [ ]
Do you play synth in that band? [ ]
Is that synth an original microKORG with wood panelling? [ ]
Does everyone play synth in that band? [ ]
Has that band played at a house party in East London? [ ]
Does music get less appealing as it gains popularity? [ ]
Do you value a band’s obscurity over their musical merit? [ ]
Do genres that involve five or more words excite you? [ ]
Is music out of date once it is possible to align it to any genre? [ ]
Are the majority of genres ‘dead’? [ ]
Do you find organic foods taste better than their GM equivalents? [ ]
Are your qualifications arts based? [ ]
Are you a rebel without a cause? [ ]
Do you fear aligning yourself to a cause due to it becoming outdated? [ ]
Do you hate multinational corporations? [ ]
Do you await Apple product launches with excitement? [ ]
Do you own a Macbook? [ ]
Do you use said Macbook at coffee shops? [ ]
Do you have an iPhone? [ ]
Do you have the Hipstamatic app on your iPhone? [ ]
Have you taken pictures on London Fields with it? [ ]
Did you then post those pictures onto a blog? [ ]
Did you apply filters to pictures you take to make them appear older? [ ]
Are there over 1000 photos of you online? [ ]
Have you ever been in a photo featured in Vice Magazine? [ ]
Do you prefer photos taken from higher angles? [ ]
Have you been to a warehouse rave? [ ]
Were you on the guestlist for said rave? [ ]
Did you organise the rave? [ ]
Was the rave shut down by police before completion? [ ]
Do you smoke roll ups? [ ]
Do you work in the media? [ ]
Would you describe yourself as a social media expert? [ ]
Do you feel you’d be more in place as part of the beat generation than present day? [ ]
Do you hate it when people call you a hipster? [ ]
Do you consider yourself cool? [ ]
Are all of these questions already out of date? [ ]

Now tally up your scores and see the results below:

0-24: Well done, you’re in no way a hipster.  Don’t think this automatically qualifies you as a decent human being though.  Statistically, you’re probably still a failed abortion, just in a less immediately detestable way.

25-49: You should really take stock of your lifestyle, you’re in a dangerous middle ground here where your hipster tendencies are causing immediate hatred from others.  You most likely lied about some of the answers to fit into this category because you’re a stinking liar just like your father was.

50-70: You make everyone in the world sick.  You are the sign of the apocalypse, the last decaying flag of the end of our culture.  You embody everything that trivialises the revolutions of generations past.  Your narcissistic futilism is the embodyment of everything that is wrong with everything.  One day you will die and it will be a net gain for humanity.

No matter how many times I watch them, I always crack up at the shreds videos on Youtube.  Check out this awesome Kings Of Leon performance, Steve Vai doing his thing or Metallica at their best.

Team Neon is off to hit the dancefloors of Elephant and Castle tonight and we’re bloody excited! It may not be Miami, but there’s going to be more tunes than a doctor’s waiting room during a man flu outbreak! Coronet here we come! Keep an eye out for us getting down to Justice, Boys Noize, Bloody Beetroots…

I can’t actually feel my feet. Not because i’m so “cool and off my tits on heroin” like Pete Cockerty, or because I’ve been hiking to mars for chArity like Ben Fogle, but because I’m in MY OWN HOUSE. This is not good.
I demand that Robert Kilroy Silk does something about this immediately or take his own life: I need some sunshine one way or another.