It’s New Years Eve.  By this point, an ovulating sheep should be straddling your chin dildo ready to welcome the gods of 2012.

Luke’s Albums Of 2011

01. Mogwai – Hardcore Will Never Die, But You Will
02. Wild Beasts – Smother
03. Rustie – Glass Swords
04. Russian Circles – Empros
05. Bombay Bicycle Club – A Different Kind Of Fix
06. Mastodon – The Hunter
07. ZZT – Partys Over Earth
08. Gang Gang Dance – Eye Contact
09. Radiohead – The King Of Limbs
10. SebestiAn – Total

Steve’s Albums Of 2011

01. The Weeknd – House Of Balloons
02. M83 – Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming
03. 13 & God – Own Your Ghost
04. Destroyer – Kaputt
05. SBTRKT – SBTRKT
06. Handsome Furs – Sound Kapital
07. Unknown Mortal Orchestra – Unknown Mortal Orchestra
08. Thurston Moore – Demolished Thoughts
09. araabMUZIK – Electronic Dream
10. Mister Heavenly – Out Of Love

Jim’s Albums Of 2011

01. ZZT – Partys Over Earth
02. Arnaud Rebotini – Someone Gave Me Religion
03. 13 & God – Own Your Ghost
04. Spank Rock – Everything Is Boring And Everyone Is A Fucking Liar
05. Mogwai – Hardcore Will Never Die, But You Will
06. SebastiAn – TOTAL
07. M83 – Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming
08. Daft Punk – Tron Legacy Reconfigured
09. Fenech-Soler – Fenech-Soler
10. Radiohead – The King Of Limbs

It’s that time of year again, and after Kanye’s sneaky December album release last year, we didn’t finalise this until this very day.

Click the titles for Spotify playlists or the track titles for Youtube links to each song.

Jim’s Favourites Of 2011

01. Future Of The Left – destroywhitchurch.com
02. Boys Noize & Housemeister – Shizzo
03. Connan Mockasin – Forever Dolphin Love (Erol Alkan Rework)
04. Rustie – City Star
05. Shabazz Palaces – Youlogy
06. Little Roy – Heart-Shaped Box
07. Siriusmo – High Together
08. Nicolas Jaar – Space Is Only Noise If You Can See
09. Digitalism – Antibiotics
10. MSTRKRFT – Back in the USSA/Beards Again

Steve’s Favourites Of 2011

01. The Weeknd – House Of Balloons / Glass Table Girls
02. M83 – Wait
03. Handsome Furs – Serve The People
04. The Antlers – I Don’t Want Love
05. Smith Westerns – Weekend
06. Django Django – Waveforms
07. Unknown Mortal Orchestra – How Can U Luv Me
08. Shabazz Palaces – Are You… Can You… Were You? (Felt)
09. Tyler, The Creator – Yonkers
10. Foster The People – Pumped Up Kicks

Luke’s Favourites Of 2011

01. Mogwai – San Pedro
02. Wild Beasts – End Come Too Soon
04. Russian Circles – Mladek
05. SebastiAn – Love In Motion
06. James Blake – Limit To Your Love
07. Bombay Bicycle Club – Your Eyes
08. Gang Gang Dance – Adult Goth
09. tUnE-yArDs – Bizness
10. ZZT – Vulkan Alarm!

1. Form band. ✓

2. Write songs. ✓

3. Record debut EP in bedroom. ✓

4. Play lots of local gigs to anyone and everyone who asks us to. ✓

5. Develop local, mostly indifferent fanbase. ✓

6. Create confusing, conflicting, unprofessional public facing persona which screams “WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE’RE DOING”. ✓

7. Get noticed by scout with an eye for the easily exploited.

8. Get signed into inflexible, cleverly disguised, shit contract by major label “cool” offshoot based on some approximation of an affluent nineties music business model.

9. Have label destroy previous persona and all traces of it and replace it with a new, calculated approach that increases mystery and artificial persona of coolness and fanbase.  Have exciting one-sentence and one paragraph written about the band that is 10% true.

10. Record another EP, this time with a well known producer of label’s choosing.

11. Play less gigs at unexpected venues (Dreams Bed Store?).  Have paid actors paid to attend shows to give audience a vibe of “cool” that gives bloggers everywhere a load of chubbies.

12. Have unexpected, respected people paid to come out as fans of your work (Brian Blessed? The ghost of Hunter S Thompson? Lady Gaga?).

13. Become #1 on Hypem.com.

14. Record debut album.

15. Read glowing albums of debut album that basically believe the press release.  Ignore reviews from publications to “take a stand” on the release, giving it 4.9 / 10.

16. Do massive drugs.

17. Tour, party, tour, appear on TV shows, tour, do interviews with the same series of questions asked every time (“I can’t even fucking remember anymore, maybe something to do with a dream about a glowing tightrope? Jesus, it’s so long ago now you might as well be asking me what I was thinking about during my first wank”), spend lots of time in smelly, noisy clubs and venues.

18. Write songs for second album in sparse tour gaps.  Play mediocre ideas to yeasayers and new-found hangers on who mock-swoon at its wonderfulness.  Believe the hype and misguidedly decide on one-chord, seven minute song as ballsy album opener.

19. Record second album with different producer who secretly hates us after we insist on track #1.

20. Read mediocre reviews of second album that are even less informed than those of the first album.  Convince selves of superiority that will be recognised years from now, like some sort of twenty first century Van Gogh.

21. Watch fanbase reduce in number as the “I heard of them first” hipster factor can no longer apply, dividing people into those who actually liked the music and those who just liked saying “Hey, have you heard any Neon Highwire? No? Oh man, you’ve gotta take a listen, it’s the Next Big Thing (NBT)”.

22. Get quietly dropped by major label, despair.

23. Get picked up by smaller label, release single on label based on offcut ideas from the second album to mass indifference.

24. Tour to modest fanbase, develop massive drug addiction.

25. Get into serious debt.

26. Argue within band, develop it to physical fights, only contact each other through the medium of press making the only thing people remember us for is our well-publicised arguments, forgetting we even made any music.

27. Break up quietly.

28. Get mediocre jobs and major chips on shoulders.

29. Wait ten years kill one of the other two, hide evidence to create conspiracy theories and get our names back in the press.

30. Quit jobs, reform, replace dead member with Johnny Marr on a zimmer frame.

31. Put on show with extortionate door and bar prices (£6 per pint) to exploit grown up fanbase now with disposable income.

32. Turn show into “Greatest Hits Tour” riding on the notoriety of the dead member.  Do interviews with tabloids asking people to stop speculating on the cause of their death to allow friends and family to grieve, perversely then increasing the speculation.

33. Write series of uninspired solo releases funded by greatest hits tour of songs you can’t even remember writing.  At some point record a reggae song that nobody in their right mind could ever have thought was a good idea.

34. Talk about early material in interviews in a glorified manner (“It’s a representation of the struggle within society in a way that this generation will never understand.  The contrast of the luminescent glow of something so instantly appealing with the potentially lethal drop that comes from using it incorrectly.  Life is delicate, life is precious, but it’s also a drug that rides on the wings of blah sandwiches.”).

35. Make jokes about selling out thus making it “cool” to sell out because we like already know it yeah? META WINKS ];)

36. Fake suicides of two remaining original members, have all material reremastered and rereleased every five years with different packaging each time and ridiculous price tag in secret deal with Johnny Marr that sees him skim 20% off the top to keep his mouth shut.

37. Send Johnny new “rough” tracks occasionally for remastered albums to be included as bonus lost tracks.  Make them intentionally shit, but still get 9.4 reviews in some publications for “best new reissue”.

38. Live new life off financial rewards whilst writing soundtrack music from studio on beach under a pseudonym.

39. Hate mankind.

So, Justin bored me in the end.  I couldn’t work out the best way to eliminate him with blunt household items and ended up smashing my ipod into a snowman in frustration.  Water a way to go.  I found a list on his blog.  I copied it out below.  Apparently they’re what his good friends in Paris are listening to.  YEAH RIGHT JUSTIN. HALF OF THIS STUFF ISNT EVEN FRENCH AND I DOUBT YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE FRANCE IS YOU PRE-JACK AUTOMATON

1 Boys Noize & Erol Alkan – Avalanche/Lemonade, Boys Noize – 10″10″/Yeah
2 Errors – Come Down With Me
3 Foals - Total Life Forever
4 Noisia – Split the Atomt
5 Das Racist – Shut Up, Dude / Sit Down, Man
6 65daysofstatic  – We Were Exploding Anyway
7 Flying Lotus - Cosmogramma
8 LCD Soundsystem  – This Is Happening
9 Fourtet  - There Is Love In You
10 Digitalism – Blitz EP

Arrogance.  Most of my favourite things this year have been EPs and single tracks, but I listen to (1) as a mini album so figure I can get away with two becoming one.  If you disagree, don’t?

FUCKING MAGNETS, HOW DO THEY WORK?  This list is the only one that matters, other than my list of favourite tracks which also matters of course.  This list is the definitive one though.  All the best albums of the year, which happen to number ten. Of course we didn’t release an album this year, else the list would just be Neon Highwire – Omlette Potatoes over and over again as no other album would be worth listening to and I would learn not to name albums on an empty stomach again.  Here’s my lizst:

Menomena – Mines
Liars – Sisterworld
Crystal Castles – II
Errors – Come Down With Me
Das Racist – Shut Up, Dude / Sit Down, Man
Of Montreal – False Priest
Sleigh Bells – Treats
Nedry – Condors
Flying Lotus – Cosmogramma
Xiu Xiu – Dear God, I Hate Myself

BOOM! Crimminy wah wah!  How could I beat that list?!  I don’t think it’s possible.  Best plough on regardless, in spite of having been shamed into insignificance by Bieber and his wank-biscuits.

So, you’ve seen the ultimo A-list of tracks, now it’s album o’clock.  I found this a bit tougher, as there’ve been a lot of choice EPs to listen to this year (Gallops, Three Trapped Tigers, Les Petits Pilous, etc. etc.), but I got there eventually.  Here goes…

Crystal Castles – Crystal Castles II

Chromeo – Business Casual

Pulled Apart By Horses – Pulled Apart By Horses

65DaysOfStatic – We Were Exploding Anyway

Noisia – Split the Atom

Nedry – Condors

Errors – Come Down with Me

Four Tet – There Is Love In You

Foals – Total Life Forever

Two Door Cinema Club – Tourist History

BOOM!  Who would’ve thought that Susan Boyle didn’t make it in there?  Maybe next year big Suzy – keep on truckin’.

Merry Christmas everyone!  I’m off to dress up as a mountie in diamonte jeggings for the remainder of the weekend.  Why not? Exactly.

MATE!  I’ve been embracing the pop this year, like John Pemberton but less dead.  My list speaks volumes about the direction I’ve been going in musically this year and rather than muddy its impact with too long a preamble, here is the baddest boy of them all…

Justin Bieber – Baby
Susan Boyle – Hallelujah
Lil Wayne – Paradice
Christina Aguilera – The Beautiful People
Black Eyed Peas – The Time (Dirty Bit)
Usher – OMG
Nickelback – This Afternoon
Scouting For Girls – Little Miss Naughty
Neil Morrissey – England’s On The Way (The lion sleeps tonight)
James Corden & Dizzee Rascal – Shout

Don’t knock it until you’ve heard every gem on that list.  YESH!

If I could live my life using alliterated vocabulary alone… I wouldn’t.  It would be a stupid idea.  Really stupid.  Wow, I can’t believe you actually thought I was going to say I would!  That’s crazy talk!

As it’s the end of the year and I’m stuffed on caviar and getting tired of the taste of Cristal, I figured I’d also make a list of ten tracks which are blowing people’s minds throughout the nation within a one foot radius of my nose.

Health – USA Boys

Errors – Supertribe

Beach House – Zebra

Ted Leo and the Pharmacists – Bottled In Cork

Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs – Household Goods

Das Racist – You Oughta Know

Ratatat – Drugs

Sleigh Bells – Tell ‘Em

Of Montreal – Enemy Gene

Gallops – Miami Spider

I can’t wait to see Jim’s tracks tomorrow.  I hope we’re in for a surprise.

Well, in case you are massively retarded and haven’t noticed, it’s nearly the end of the year. OMFG! Really?! Yes. Deal with it.

Let’s face it. We are interesting people. Damn it, we’re important people! Our opinions matter to literally handfuls of people and we want to share those opinions with you, because it’s the end of the year. THAT’S A REAL REASON. YOU DON’T KNOW! YOU WATCHED RAIN MAN AND THOUGHT IT WAS A COMEDY ABOUT PEOPLE WHO CAN’T TALK PROPERLY.

Anyway, in the spirit of dragging things out for way longer than is arguably necessary, over the next 6 days we will be bringing you our individual Top 10 tracks and albums of 2010. I have the best list so am going first. Putting Steve’s list up would ensure nobody ever came back to this site ever again in disgust. Today it’s the turn of my fave TRACKS.   I’ve even put Spotify links in there for you, so you know what the tits I’m harping on about.  Here goes (in no particular order)…

Fake Blood – I think I like it

Les Petits Pilous – Goog

Gallops – Miami Spider

Three Trapped Tigers – 11

Noisia – Red Heat

Chromeo – Night By Night

Errors – A rumour in Africa

Foals – Spanish Sahara

Boys Noize & Errol Alkan – Lemonade

Djedjotronic – Gum Attack

That’s it! What an amazing list, huh? Yep, it’s time to crack out those festive jeggings and get bouncing!
Wow, I’m good. More tomorrow, you lucky people…

I’ve been away, and it’s been long overdue. An awesome friend of mine was starting a new business running a health retreat* and much to her surprise, I signed up for the opening week. I haven’t had a holiday in a year, and was in need for something truly rejuvenating rather than spend sometime discovering a country, its food, its drinks, its night-life and the rest that follows then returning to the country destroyed both physically and mentally. Instead the idea of a dress rehearsal for life in an old age pensioners home where my existence was simple and decisions were made for me seemed perfect.

Luckily, Mel had done a great job with her new venture and the week was the perfect infiltration into a world that would usually look at me in disgust and rub tofu in my hair (“yours was the worst food diary of them all, but I think you already knew that”). Exercise, good diet, outdoor heated hot-tubs, day by day I talked less and less about the outside world until reaching the point where my existence was such that I was genuinely excited about changing the recipe for what we were supposed to prepare for lunch. Yeah, fuck the man.

I’ve been raving about the week to indifferent friends ever since, but despite all of the elements of the week that made me want to go in the first place, the most effective came as a bit of a surprise. One of the greatest liberations was no doubt the lack of any form of phone signal or internet access. Truly disappearing. Aside from a TV playing 6Music and Radio 4, I was excused from the outside world and the bane of social networking, peering into the lives of my friends and associates, developing an inferiority complex that my life was both futile and that I was wasting my time. Viewing photos of Germany whilst sitting in my pants eating a microwave meal.

Those unfortunate enough to have me listed as a friend on Facebook often mock me for my attempts at tired witicisms and my ridiculous prolificness. In my defence, I’m still adjusting to life on my own after many years together with the same partner. No longer is there someone there to soak up the relentless barrage of verbosity that escapes from my mouth, unfiltered from my mind on a constant basis. Yes, it’s hardly an enviable position. I’m not talking about profound, deep conversation topics or even the rationalising of your goals, ambitions and desires. I’m talking about things like hiding in cupboards for 20 minutes to scare the shit out of someone as you jump out shouting in Welsh. An under-rated negotiation technique indeed.

So now I’m back and have the usual post-holiday couple of weeks where I choose to adopt a high-level philosophical perspective before I descend back into the day to day hazy pointless existence of procrastination, avoidance and indulgence. I can’t wait.

According to that logic, normal service will resume on November 21st.

You have been warned.

*Hartland House Retreat