1. Form band. ✓

2. Write songs. ✓

3. Record debut EP in bedroom. ✓

4. Play lots of local gigs to anyone and everyone who asks us to. ✓

5. Develop local, mostly indifferent fanbase. ✓

6. Create confusing, conflicting, unprofessional public facing persona which screams “WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE’RE DOING”. ✓

7. Get noticed by scout with an eye for the easily exploited.

8. Get signed into inflexible, cleverly disguised, shit contract by major label “cool” offshoot based on some approximation of an affluent nineties music business model.

9. Have label destroy previous persona and all traces of it and replace it with a new, calculated approach that increases mystery and artificial persona of coolness and fanbase.  Have exciting one-sentence and one paragraph written about the band that is 10% true.

10. Record another EP, this time with a well known producer of label’s choosing.

11. Play less gigs at unexpected venues (Dreams Bed Store?).  Have paid actors paid to attend shows to give audience a vibe of “cool” that gives bloggers everywhere a load of chubbies.

12. Have unexpected, respected people paid to come out as fans of your work (Brian Blessed? The ghost of Hunter S Thompson? Lady Gaga?).

13. Become #1 on Hypem.com.

14. Record debut album.

15. Read glowing albums of debut album that basically believe the press release.  Ignore reviews from publications to “take a stand” on the release, giving it 4.9 / 10.

16. Do massive drugs.

17. Tour, party, tour, appear on TV shows, tour, do interviews with the same series of questions asked every time (“I can’t even fucking remember anymore, maybe something to do with a dream about a glowing tightrope? Jesus, it’s so long ago now you might as well be asking me what I was thinking about during my first wank”), spend lots of time in smelly, noisy clubs and venues.

18. Write songs for second album in sparse tour gaps.  Play mediocre ideas to yeasayers and new-found hangers on who mock-swoon at its wonderfulness.  Believe the hype and misguidedly decide on one-chord, seven minute song as ballsy album opener.

19. Record second album with different producer who secretly hates us after we insist on track #1.

20. Read mediocre reviews of second album that are even less informed than those of the first album.  Convince selves of superiority that will be recognised years from now, like some sort of twenty first century Van Gogh.

21. Watch fanbase reduce in number as the “I heard of them first” hipster factor can no longer apply, dividing people into those who actually liked the music and those who just liked saying “Hey, have you heard any Neon Highwire? No? Oh man, you’ve gotta take a listen, it’s the Next Big Thing (NBT)”.

22. Get quietly dropped by major label, despair.

23. Get picked up by smaller label, release single on label based on offcut ideas from the second album to mass indifference.

24. Tour to modest fanbase, develop massive drug addiction.

25. Get into serious debt.

26. Argue within band, develop it to physical fights, only contact each other through the medium of press making the only thing people remember us for is our well-publicised arguments, forgetting we even made any music.

27. Break up quietly.

28. Get mediocre jobs and major chips on shoulders.

29. Wait ten years kill one of the other two, hide evidence to create conspiracy theories and get our names back in the press.

30. Quit jobs, reform, replace dead member with Johnny Marr on a zimmer frame.

31. Put on show with extortionate door and bar prices (£6 per pint) to exploit grown up fanbase now with disposable income.

32. Turn show into “Greatest Hits Tour” riding on the notoriety of the dead member.  Do interviews with tabloids asking people to stop speculating on the cause of their death to allow friends and family to grieve, perversely then increasing the speculation.

33. Write series of uninspired solo releases funded by greatest hits tour of songs you can’t even remember writing.  At some point record a reggae song that nobody in their right mind could ever have thought was a good idea.

34. Talk about early material in interviews in a glorified manner (“It’s a representation of the struggle within society in a way that this generation will never understand.  The contrast of the luminescent glow of something so instantly appealing with the potentially lethal drop that comes from using it incorrectly.  Life is delicate, life is precious, but it’s also a drug that rides on the wings of blah sandwiches.”).

35. Make jokes about selling out thus making it “cool” to sell out because we like already know it yeah? META WINKS ];)

36. Fake suicides of two remaining original members, have all material reremastered and rereleased every five years with different packaging each time and ridiculous price tag in secret deal with Johnny Marr that sees him skim 20% off the top to keep his mouth shut.

37. Send Johnny new “rough” tracks occasionally for remastered albums to be included as bonus lost tracks.  Make them intentionally shit, but still get 9.4 reviews in some publications for “best new reissue”.

38. Live new life off financial rewards whilst writing soundtrack music from studio on beach under a pseudonym.

39. Hate mankind.

Our song Kim Jon Il Looking At Things got a mention in the B3ta Newsletter this week: See it at http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue464/

“ * KIM JONG IL SONG – ma0sm writes, “I recorded a

  song in tribute to the website Kim Jong Il
  looking at things which you can listen to at the
  link below. Would be great if you featured it in
  the newsletter." This really made us grin, and
  we like the idea of writing different songs to
  listen along to with famous websites.
http://Soundcloud.com/neonhighwire/Kim-Jong-il-looking-at-things

"

I’ve written an article about soundchecks for the fantastic online zine God Is In The TV.  It’s rambling, it’s full of hate and it could have done with more proof reading, much like myself.  Read it by clicking here.

With the general erection looming over us like Burt Reynolds in a cock-shaped bi-plane, we realised that it was time to get political. FEAR NOT: we have not turned into soul destroying, hypocritical fuckwarts like U2 or that hairy one off live aid, but hopefully you may just learn something about the world we live in.
The first video “sustain this” is jam-packed with juicy shizzle to lather you up into a political and panda-shaped frenzy. Why not see for yourself, here:

Bit late with this one, but you can read it here.

“When I really pondered the name Neon Highwire for a band, it was simple. The band certainly grabs your attention with their songs, much like a neon street sign and they are high wired through their music style of techno-electronic rock/ alternative. Take a listen to them on myspace, they’ll get you hyped up! http://myspace.com/neonhighwire“

Team Neon is off to hit the dancefloors of Elephant and Castle tonight and we’re bloody excited! It may not be Miami, but there’s going to be more tunes than a doctor’s waiting room during a man flu outbreak! Coronet here we come! Keep an eye out for us getting down to Justice, Boys Noize, Bloody Beetroots…

Thanks Fokka, glad to have moved you enough to cause a reaction!  Read his insights here.

A massive thankyou to all of you who came along to the gig at the Old Blue Last last night night, we had a great time and hope you did too.  Ignug, Tiny Islands and Cold in Berlin were all fantastic and it was all in all a top drawer evening!

Here’s some trivia for you:  at just 13.76 secs, last night’s sound check was officially the shortest we’ve ever completed.  Damn we’re efficient!

Thanks again and see you next year!

Appreciated! http://bit.ly/Neonalex

Thanks Abbi! http://bit.ly/Neonabbi