This is how we roll:

Anyway, in order to cleanse ourselves of the shun of the ILUMINAZIs which control the internets (thanks David Micke), we are instead playing a show with so much awesome piled with so much awesome that there is no room left for ham.  In fact, if the awesome were stacked up like in a game of Tetris, then it would all disappear as the row would be full.  Full of awesome.

You may still be wondering if this is something you want to become part of your life (like a pint of idiot), so to give you a balanced view on whether or not you should do this, here are a list of pros and cons.

Pros:

Friday night baby!

Neon Highwire baby!

Is Tropical & Black Daniel baby!

Close to the tube baby!

They have a bar baby!

Special guests baby!

Cons:

Justin Bieber could technically attend in theory.

Anyway, here are the cold hard facts:

Date: Friday 27th January 2012.

Location: Purple Turtle, 65 Crowndale Road, London, NW1 1TN.

Nearest Tube: Mornington Crescent (Northern Line).

Opening Hours: 20:00 – 04:00.

Price: £4 advance, £5 on the door with a flyer.

Lineup: Is Tropical (DJ), Fugue B2b Bogart, Black Daniel, A Fat White Family, Neon Highwire, Bow Mods, Ozonna, The Mannakings, You Me And The Moon

If not harvested for its body or its eggs, can hope to be used as bait to aid the slaughter of its brethren, whether friend or foe.

Consider the herring.

Blighted by pollution in the only atmosphere it knows for existence caused by those who feel not the impact of immersed dependency.

Consider the herring.

From phytoplankton to zooplankton, you are what you eat, shielded from the dangers of sight by feeding at night, there is no glory in your toil.

Consider the herring.

Destroying the shackles of its oppressive existence and growing a pair of arms and legs cos that’s what they do and then being all badass and being able to breathe on land like some sort of muscle man going to see Neon Highwire at The Purple Turtle one week today!  Fuck the Turtle, the herring exists within YOU, and your hollow shell of a borrowed alias.  This is the time of the herring.  Who is laughing now, Mr Shell?  Though never born purple, that is what you shall be remembered as until the sign is bleached by sun and the revelry is nothing but a story on a fanzine.  The herring moves onwards, from strength to strength.  With madwickedfresh dancing styles that know nothing of roll mops, know nothing of sushi and know nothing of their ancestory show incredible verve as they pop, they lock, they throw down the fucking electric boogaloo like it is no thing as to render their rapid evolution a secondary point of discussion.

“Boy those fish can dance” you will say, “boy those fish can dance!”.

SILD.

Luke’s Albums Of 2011

01. Mogwai – Hardcore Will Never Die, But You Will
02. Wild Beasts – Smother
03. Rustie – Glass Swords
04. Russian Circles – Empros
05. Bombay Bicycle Club – A Different Kind Of Fix
06. Mastodon – The Hunter
07. ZZT – Partys Over Earth
08. Gang Gang Dance – Eye Contact
09. Radiohead – The King Of Limbs
10. SebestiAn – Total

Steve’s Albums Of 2011

01. The Weeknd – House Of Balloons
02. M83 – Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming
03. 13 & God – Own Your Ghost
04. Destroyer – Kaputt
05. SBTRKT – SBTRKT
06. Handsome Furs – Sound Kapital
07. Unknown Mortal Orchestra – Unknown Mortal Orchestra
08. Thurston Moore – Demolished Thoughts
09. araabMUZIK – Electronic Dream
10. Mister Heavenly – Out Of Love

Jim’s Albums Of 2011

01. ZZT – Partys Over Earth
02. Arnaud Rebotini – Someone Gave Me Religion
03. 13 & God – Own Your Ghost
04. Spank Rock – Everything Is Boring And Everyone Is A Fucking Liar
05. Mogwai – Hardcore Will Never Die, But You Will
06. SebastiAn – TOTAL
07. M83 – Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming
08. Daft Punk – Tron Legacy Reconfigured
09. Fenech-Soler – Fenech-Soler
10. Radiohead – The King Of Limbs

Click the titles for Spotify playlists or the track titles for Youtube links to each song.

Jim’s Favourites Of 2011

01. Future Of The Left – destroywhitchurch.com
02. Boys Noize & Housemeister – Shizzo
03. Connan Mockasin – Forever Dolphin Love (Erol Alkan Rework)
04. Rustie – City Star
05. Shabazz Palaces – Youlogy
06. Little Roy – Heart-Shaped Box
07. Siriusmo – High Together
08. Nicolas Jaar – Space Is Only Noise If You Can See
09. Digitalism – Antibiotics
10. MSTRKRFT – Back in the USSA/Beards Again

Steve’s Favourites Of 2011

01. The Weeknd – House Of Balloons / Glass Table Girls
02. M83 – Wait
03. Handsome Furs – Serve The People
04. The Antlers – I Don’t Want Love
05. Smith Westerns – Weekend
06. Django Django – Waveforms
07. Unknown Mortal Orchestra – How Can U Luv Me
08. Shabazz Palaces – Are You… Can You… Were You? (Felt)
09. Tyler, The Creator – Yonkers
10. Foster The People – Pumped Up Kicks

Luke’s Favourites Of 2011

01. Mogwai – San Pedro
02. Wild Beasts – End Come Too Soon
04. Russian Circles – Mladek
05. SebastiAn – Love In Motion
06. James Blake – Limit To Your Love
07. Bombay Bicycle Club – Your Eyes
08. Gang Gang Dance – Adult Goth
09. tUnE-yArDs – Bizness
10. ZZT – Vulkan Alarm!

Yes, that’s right futher muckers, another first brought to you by Neonco.

Of course, with these lists, there has to be a preamble.  It was very difficult coming up with this list as most of these albums contain songs which haven’t even been written yet.  In fact, most tracks are probably nothing more than a scribble in a notebook in the backpocket of a soiled pair of Yoni Wolf’s corduroys at the moment, but as I’m sure you’ll agree

THAT DOESN’T MATTER.

Why be a slave to time and rationale?  Everything’s better in a list, that’s a biological fact proved by the following people:

1. Me

2. Myself

3. Ivor The Engine.

Some haters gon’ hate and get all huffy about the fact that our saying contains more sooth than a strepsil, but that’s because jealousy is as contagious and out-dated as SARS.

What’s that my friend?  Oh yes, here it is yourwelcomethankyoucomeagain:

10. Bus Casual – Public Transport Jeans & T-shirt

After Jack White’s collaboration with The Insane Clown Posse, most people had thought the limit had been reached of “Kooky Kollaborations” that were more interested in grabbing headlines than creating anything anyone would be remotely interested in listening to.  Though when Bono announced this Ghost-Of-Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Michael Jackson II (the first ever successful human clone), Jackie Chan and Barack Obama bavarian folk / dubstep collaboration, the internet went BALLISTIC.  On paper it should have been an absolute disaster, and arguably it was.  Despite the high profile of the names involved, such an unlikely collaboration was surely doomed to never possibly meet expectations, though perversely this likely warmed the contrary populous to the resulting release.  Worth an inclusion in this list for the ballad “Fuck Off You Fucking Pissflap” opening the proceedings alone.

9. Gary Glitter – Is It So Wrong?

Over the last two years, it’s hard to believe that Paul Gadd was once seen as a hate figure.  Perhaps it’s his true repentence in a fast-changing world, or perhaps it was the involvement of Max Clifford in proceedings, but even after Paul winning-the-heart of the nation on “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here”, people shouldn’t forget how good the music actually was.  Sounding like the album The XX should have released after their lauded debut, it was a ballsy move by Good Ol’ Paul (maybe Sir Paul soon?) to take such a bold stance.  As Piers Morgan himself said “Forgive and Forget and buy this album”.

8. Radiohead – Big p00 #/# Big Pl8

Always pioneers of new and interesting release strategy, this album divided the masses to an extent that even made Lou Reed blush.  The “Aurlbum” will surely go down in history as a defining point in the demise of the album.  Sure, some people dismissed the idea.  “It doesn’t actually exist” they cried, “There are no songs, this is the emperor’s new clothes” they vomited, but they forgot one thing.  It was a Radiohead release and music is a subset of Radiohead now, not the reverse.  People wanting them to record new songs and dismiss this as glorified begging (pay what you want) miss the point completely.  This is the future, do not be left behind.

7. The Beatles – Happy Sunshine

He may be the last Beatle still alive (I personally DON’T believe that he was guilty of Ringo’s tragic murder), but he was the most important, so fuck anyone who said he couldn’t recover the name.  In terms of ordering Beatles albums, it’s fair to say that it’s not their best, but this is easily the best release that Sir Paul has made in a decade.  Sonically this is inarguably a Beatles album, “Hey Jude, Remember Me” ranks as potentially the greatest follow-on-song since Metallica wowed the world with The Unforgiven II.  Stop reading, stop judging and buy this album now in 2013 (leaked Jan 2012) because even sub-par for the Beatles is better than most bands.

6. Various Artists – Quirky Smile Smile (OST)

Arguably this film would have been utterly shit if it weren’t for its incredible soundtrack.  It’s rumoured that the director spent nine months in the same cabin Bon Iver recorded his debut album in just listening to music on shuffle to find the tracks which he could write the film around.  The film itself has just forty six words in its script and was an incredibly ballsy move by Johnny Depp to take the role as lead actor having never seen the script till filming day but I’ll never be able to listen to Johnny & The Hurricanes’s “Red River Rock” again without thinking of that rainy scene on the boat.  Watch the film, buy the soundtrack, be amazed.

5. Bill Gates – Malari-ya-ya

Once a hated figure who crushed the little guy with un-ethical business practices, then a lauded philanthropist and investor in the causes the corporations saw no profit from, then the surprise maestro who created the masterpiece Malari-ya-ya.  Bill’s falsetto is impecable as he creates a world in these 15 tracks with nothing more than a ukelele and the Amen Break.  A true alchemist, the output far surpasses expectations and quite rightly won the Grammy for best solo artist.  We salute you Bill.

4. The Cast Of Glee – Fuck

In the marketing coup of the year, it was a stroke of genius that threw this curveball a capella speed metal release from a bunch of actors so repacable that they’re only referred to as The Cast Of Glee.  Fuck knows if I can even identify any of them, one might be sitting next to me right now for all I know, but it’s more a testament to the Timbaland revival that’s made this one a huge Xmas seller.  I bought three for my Princess Diana’s Memorial just today, I recommend you do the same.

3. SkrnLssPrtKkw – |/\|/\|\||<

In the two years since Jad Cobham collected the best of his limited-run output as the 2xCD Burns, his SkrnLssPrtKkw project has become one of the new synth-music underground’s most reliable purveyors of trippy, arpeggio-heavy psychedelia. Last year’s f. marked an intensification of his method and an amplification of his range– from pure noise to breathtaking lyricism– but it didn’t significantly break with his established mode. |/\|/\|\||< does. For one thing, it’s the first time that sampling has become central to |/\|/\|\||<’s music. While |/\|/\|\||< hasn’t retired his trusty Roland Juno 60, it plays a supporting role, adding color and texture to loops sourced from bootleg DVDs of old television ads.

2. Robbie Williams – Cheeky Boy!

I was the last person to think I’d fall in love with a Robbie Williams album.  For years I’ve found the sight of his cunty face enough to make me punch a wall until my knuckles are merely dust held in by my bloody flesh.  Everything about his persona, his uninspired music and his nausiating blandness made me think that I’d rather see him gourged in a bull fight than write another note of music in his sorry life, but how wrong I was.  Cheeky Boy! is a veritable triumph.  Maybe it was his time back with the relatively-respectable Take That, or maybe it was just the fact that he relinquished all song-writing responsibilities for this recording, but what remains is a luscious collection of the perfect pop album.  It makes you nostalgic for a summer that never existed, a moment in your past that made you smile.  It’s everything music should be.  I’m glad he’s not dead.

1. Fliss – This Is My Moment

It was the saviour of the X-Factor.  For years the show seemed more interested in the drama than the music.  Resembling Hulk Hogan‘s WWF more than an actual talent competition.  The detachment from reality had gone so far as to see the audience openly mock the judges by voting Robosing 2000 the winner of 2012′s show with its monotonous rendition of “Digital Love” by Daft Punk.  Though this album was only released in the last week of 2013, it was the album which made the year worthwhile.  It was hard to believe Fliss was going to be capable of such creativity during her first few appearances in the show when she showed her growler to the judges.  It was a shrewd move to get the audience to see her worst side during the earlier stages before upping the ante for the last few rounds with her incredible rendition of Blur’s “Song 2″, but even then, the resulting album surely could not have been expected.  Some see her surgical auto-tune operation as being a disgusting attention grabbing move, but never before has someone sung so well.  I haven’t even heard the music, but I already know it’s a masterpiece, even Louis Walsh said so and he’s the litmus paper of the music industry.

1) Estate agents are not people, and as such do not hold the same human rights as people

Some people will try to tell you that Estate Agents are merely salesmen and women who are paid by commission in a stressful working environment which requires long hours.

Don’t listen to them.

It is a little known fact that Estate Agents aren’t in fact people at all.  Whilst the human sapien has evolved from hominids, Estate Agents in fact were derived from a different path and coincidentally share many similar appearance to human beings.  They were derived from the faeces of the hominids and due to being rejected by the bodies of these primitive beings, have been evolutionarily tuned to hate homo sapiens.  They propogate this hate through their disguise as them and subsequently utilising their predatory skill to lie with incredible conviction time and time again.

As they are not human beings, killing them will only leave you subjected to the Animal Welfare Act of 2006 which will see you barely serving a prison sentence, whilst gaining the respect of your peers and that person you fancy.

2) Boxes are not very good at playing chess

In preparation for the move, you will need to pack many things into boxes.  Over time, there will be many boxes in your home, filled with your possessions.

However, do not be fooled into thinking that this will make them good at playing chess.

It is a little known fact that despite incidental evidence on Youtube, boxes are in fact incapable of playing chess and furthermore any motion or thought whatsoever.  A game of chess with a box will consistently end in stalemate as if you go first, then the second turn can physically never happen, whilst if the box goes first then this problem will arise from the start of the game.

The best solution to this problem is to not play games of chess with boxes.  However, they are more than capable of playing Guitar Hero, but do not engage them in a co-operative battle, but opt for a versus, as it is very likely that you will win that way.  Oh, and they like Coldplay like total dicks.

3) It is no fun removing duct tape from your hair

My main reason to include this point is that calling duct tape duct tape, as it is the name it was christened with, is a personal irk of reknowned swordsman Ljuke Fjussell.  He genuinely thinks you should call it duck tape, despite the fact that ducks are reknowned rapists not unlike Kreayshawn.  The thing is, duct tape is great for taping over ducts, and even for taping up boxes as boxes are reknowned for being into S&M, however hair DOES NOT LIKE IT.

The main reason for this is because the tape is brown and hair is naturally racist.  This has been a worldwide problem that the government of New Guinea has been working on since the Stegosaurus roamed the earth (Travelcard expired).  So far its findings are inconclusive, much like the TV series Lost.

4) Learning semaphore as a communication medium will not help you move

Seems a bit counter-intuitive this one, am I right?  Am I right?  Am I right?  Well, contrary to that advertising campaign spearheaded by Hewlett Packard in 1066, whilst being an incredible tool for female arousal, semaphore has no positive effect to relocating your abode location from one place to another.  Whilst no law suit ever challenged Hewlett Packard (And The News)’s statement, this guy in the pub swore this one was true.

5) Staples are NOT a removals company

Turns out they neither specialise in Staples either, I just don’t know what to believe anymore.  I was also disappointed to discover that they weren’t founded in Naples either.

and last and least:

6) Make sure that the place you are moving to is NOT haunted by the ghost of Michael Bolton

True, Michael Bolton is still alive, but in his recent autobiography titled “Shut It Slag, I Ain’t From Bolton It’s Just Me Surname Innit”, Mike-o-rama (as he is known to his friends) revealed that he has drawn up a list of places he intends to haunt after he passes over to the after-wife (a special version of the afterlife made for Michael where he has sex with every woman that has every fantasised about him which will take him to the end of time).  Throwing caution to the wind and the risk of being sued by his team of lawyers, I shall reproduce the list here for you to check against the list of ONE which should be the place where you are moving to:

i) Bracknell Town Hall

ii) Clitheroe Leisure Centre Sports Hall

iii) 14 Electric Avenue

If your end destination is NOT on this list then you do not need to revise your moving plan.

So that’s it, I hope this comes in handy, and feel free to print this out and staple it to your fridge for future reference when moving home.  However if you don’t have a printer, then you can remember these points using this handy system!

Just remember Ethan Barry Indigo Leopard Sally Markalmond.  Confused?  Well notice that in that catchy phrase, each first letter is the same as the first letter of the titles of the points above.  Once you’ve learned the phrase you’ll be able to go “Hmm, what was point three again?  I know!  Ethan, Barry, Indigo!  I is the first letter!  Of course, “It is no fun removing duct tape from your hair”!! Thanks the Highwinon!”.