A Helpful Guide To Moving Home 0
It has been stated in the Bible that moving home is the second most stressful thing you can do to covering up the murder of your offspring. As I have been reaffirming the truth in this statement of late, I feel obliged to share my handy guide to oft-overlooked pointers to remember when moving home that will hopefully assist you the next time you have to go through the turgid operation.
1) Estate agents are not people, and as such do not hold the same human rights as people
Some people will try to tell you that Estate Agents are merely salesmen and women who are paid by commission in a stressful working environment which requires long hours.
Don’t listen to them.
It is a little known fact that Estate Agents aren’t in fact people at all. Whilst the human sapien has evolved from hominids, Estate Agents in fact were derived from a different path and coincidentally share many similar appearance to human beings. They were derived from the faeces of the hominids and due to being rejected by the bodies of these primitive beings, have been evolutionarily tuned to hate homo sapiens. They propogate this hate through their disguise as them and subsequently utilising their predatory skill to lie with incredible conviction time and time again.
As they are not human beings, killing them will only leave you subjected to the Animal Welfare Act of 2006 which will see you barely serving a prison sentence, whilst gaining the respect of your peers and that person you fancy.
2) Boxes are not very good at playing chess
In preparation for the move, you will need to pack many things into boxes. Over time, there will be many boxes in your home, filled with your possessions.
However, do not be fooled into thinking that this will make them good at playing chess.
It is a little known fact that despite incidental evidence on Youtube, boxes are in fact incapable of playing chess and furthermore any motion or thought whatsoever. A game of chess with a box will consistently end in stalemate as if you go first, then the second turn can physically never happen, whilst if the box goes first then this problem will arise from the start of the game.
The best solution to this problem is to not play games of chess with boxes. However, they are more than capable of playing Guitar Hero, but do not engage them in a co-operative battle, but opt for a versus, as it is very likely that you will win that way. Oh, and they like Coldplay like total dicks.
3) It is no fun removing duct tape from your hair
My main reason to include this point is that calling duct tape duct tape, as it is the name it was christened with, is a personal irk of reknowned swordsman Ljuke Fjussell. He genuinely thinks you should call it duck tape, despite the fact that ducks are reknowned rapists not unlike Kreayshawn. The thing is, duct tape is great for taping over ducts, and even for taping up boxes as boxes are reknowned for being into S&M, however hair DOES NOT LIKE IT.
The main reason for this is because the tape is brown and hair is naturally racist. This has been a worldwide problem that the government of New Guinea has been working on since the Stegosaurus roamed the earth (Travelcard expired). So far its findings are inconclusive, much like the TV series Lost.
4) Learning semaphore as a communication medium will not help you move
Seems a bit counter-intuitive this one, am I right? Am I right? Am I right? Well, contrary to that advertising campaign spearheaded by Hewlett Packard in 1066, whilst being an incredible tool for female arousal, semaphore has no positive effect to relocating your abode location from one place to another. Whilst no law suit ever challenged Hewlett Packard (And The News)’s statement, this guy in the pub swore this one was true.
Turns out they neither specialise in Staples either, I just don’t know what to believe anymore. I was also disappointed to discover that they weren’t founded in Naples either.
and last and least:
6) Make sure that the place you are moving to is NOT haunted by the ghost of Michael Bolton
True, Michael Bolton is still alive, but in his recent autobiography titled “Shut It Slag, I Ain’t From Bolton It’s Just Me Surname Innit”, Mike-o-rama (as he is known to his friends) revealed that he has drawn up a list of places he intends to haunt after he passes over to the after-wife (a special version of the afterlife made for Michael where he has sex with every woman that has every fantasised about him which will take him to the end of time). Throwing caution to the wind and the risk of being sued by his team of lawyers, I shall reproduce the list here for you to check against the list of ONE which should be the place where you are moving to:
i) Bracknell Town Hall
ii) Clitheroe Leisure Centre Sports Hall
iii) 14 Electric Avenue
If your end destination is NOT on this list then you do not need to revise your moving plan.
So that’s it, I hope this comes in handy, and feel free to print this out and staple it to your fridge for future reference when moving home. However if you don’t have a printer, then you can remember these points using this handy system!
Just remember Ethan Barry Indigo Leopard Sally Markalmond. Confused? Well notice that in that catchy phrase, each first letter is the same as the first letter of the titles of the points above. Once you’ve learned the phrase you’ll be able to go “Hmm, what was point three again? I know! Ethan, Barry, Indigo! I is the first letter! Of course, “It is no fun removing duct tape from your hair”!! Thanks the Highwinon!”.
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